


500 Miles

by Crysania



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Growing Up Together, I meant this to be light and fluffy, Oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23837782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crysania/pseuds/Crysania
Summary: Written for The Pink Ladies Perfect Date Exchange, based very loosely on the song I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by the Proclaimers.He tells her he's going to marry her when he's just ten years old. And someday, he might just do it, too.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 29
Kudos: 409
Collections: The Perfect Date - Pink Ladies Spring Exchange





	500 Miles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [andabatae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andabatae/gifts).



It all starts when he’s all of ten and she’s eight. “I’m going to marry you someday,” he tells her.

Rey scoffs of course. She’s not going to marry anyone. Not ever. She has _plans_. Big plans. She’s going to the moon in a rocketship. Or she’s going to be the world’s foremost expert in bats or she’s going to drive the trash truck. They’re big and noisy and smell _terrible_. She thinks it might just be heaven and spends the next week picking up any bits of trash she comes across as preparation for her someday career.

One day she tells him she’s going to be King of the World. This is proudly proclaimed while wearing a blanket tied around her neck and a dirty Burger King hat she found while picking up trash.

“Then I shall be your Queen,” Ben Solo exclaims.

Rey lets out a snort of laughter. “You can’t be a Queen. You’re a _boy_.” She points this out as if it’s simply the most obvious thing on earth.

“Then you can’t be king,” he fires back with. “Kings are boys.”

Rey shrugs. “I want to be king,” she says with a huff. She doesn’t want to be the Queen, doesn’t want to wave oddly to the masses and wear a _dress_. “It’s good to be the king.”

“The _burger_ king,” Ben says and laughs like he’s made the best joke on earth.

“You’re not very funny, Ben Solo,” Rey points out.

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter if I’m funny or not. I’m still gonna marry you someday.”

Rey throws her hands up in the air and offers a noise of disgust before stomping off. She’s _never_ going to marry Ben Solo. He’s _disgusting_ for even thinking so. _Boys_ are disgusting.

She hears Ben laughing behind her until she’s out of the room, the door slamming shut between them.

* * *

Their friendship is weird, Rey decides when she’s 11. Ben is just always there. Maz, who adopted her not long after her ninth birthday, has been close to the Solos probably forever. She’s a sort of adopted Aunt to Ben, and even Leia Organa, one of their state’s senators, tends to defer to her when she needs to. Han, of course, does his own thing and that forever seems to irritate them all.

Ben is 13 and seems to have hit a growth spurt. Rey can’t quite believe how much taller he is than her. _Shrimp_ , he calls her. And sometimes he laughs and still calls her the _Burger King_ while prancing around her holding up a paper crown he’s made himself.

It’s a pathetic thing.

Ben Solo is not crafty at _all_.

But he makes her laugh. Or at least he does when she’s not angry at him for being, well, _Ben_.

Because Ben is moody. Ben has dark moments that make Rey back off and leave him alone. And yet still, he follows her.

“I was serious,” he says one day.

They’re shooting hoops out back of his parent’s place. It wasn’t that long ago that she and Ben were equals, but now his further reach means he gets more balls in the hoop and he’s able to cut her off, steal the ball from here.

Rey lines up on the free throw line, eyes on the distance between her and the hoop, closes her eyes as she feels the wind in her hair. And then she shoots.

Ben snorts.

_Dammit_. “I used to be better at that,” she points out.

Ben shakes his head and tosses the ball back to her. “If you say so.”

She catches it easily and turns to him. “What were you serious about?”

He smirks. “And here I thought you were just ignoring that.”

“ _Ben_ ,” she says. He’s exasperating. Too mysterious for his own good. He plays these games, word games of a sort.

He rushes at her, grabs the ball and turns to shoot. It goes right in. Because of course it does.

“About us,” he says.

“Us? There’s no us…”

“Sure there is. And someday you’ll see it.”

She rolls her eyes. “Benjamin Organa-Solo, I’m _eleven_.”

“And in ten years you’ll be 21 and we’ll be married.”

She throws her hands up in the air. “You have to be the most frustrating person I know.” She turns away and walks to where the ball is slowly moving away on the pavement.

“But you still like me,” Ben says as he follows her, racing around her to grab the ball.

“Not that much,” Rey mutters.

And Ben laughs. She likes when he laughs, even if he irritates her more often than not.

* * *

She’s almost 14 the first time she gets into a fight.

Not with Ben. Never with Ben. But he’s always lurking there, just waiting, watching. They’ve been best friends for what feel like forever. She barely remembers a time before Ben Solo. Before being invited to their Christmas parties and seeing a stocking up with her name written in glitter on it. It still looks newer than Ben’s, but no one points that out. She’s thankful for that much at least.

She’s part of the family, adopted in a tangential sort of way.

But that day Hux and Phasma have cornered her against the wall during recess. They think they’re tough. Hux is this pasty-faced ginger kid, scrawny and pale, but he runs with the popular kids somehow. She supposes it must be his family’s money. There can’t be any other reason.

Phasma, on the other hand, is a force of nature. She’s taller than Ben by a couple inches and she’s taller than Rey by several. She has a large frame, and the body of a developing athlete. When she threatens Rey, she means it. There’s more than just haughtiness there. There’s anger, and Rey has heard rumor of her home life being a bad one.

So when they corner Rey, her first reaction is to roll her eyes.

“Scavenger,” Phasma says with a sneer.

“I have a name,” Rey points out.

“Do you?” Hux says and then turns to Phasma. “The little rat seems to think she has a name.”

Phasma gives him an equally amused look. “No,” she finally says. “No I don’t think you do. Little scavenger rats like you don’t deserve such an honor.”

It’s not like she’s not heard it before. Especially from these two. Once her background had come out, it was only a matter of time before the kids of the rich snooty types went after her. And of course it would be Hux and Phasma. Two overripe peas in a pod, those two are.

But this time they press it further, leaning in close to her. She almost flinches when Phasma acts like she’s going to slap her. Instead, she just narrows her eyes and stares at her.

And then Hux does take a swing at her. There’s not much behind it. He probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet. But still, his fist comes flying at her face.

She ducks.

He hits the wall, lets out a scream of frustration and pain and then turns on her again.

He’s almost caught up to her as she races away from them when suddenly he’s thrown back. Rey stops in her tracks and turns around and _oh no_. “Ben!” she shouts. His arms comes back and it’s like she’s watching a slow motion reel because everything seems to drag as his fist flies forward and connects heavily with Hux’s jaw.

“Ben!” Rey screams as Hux leaps up and goes after him. Hux is at least as tall as Ben and while he’s reed-thin, he’s scrappy and fierce. Ben goes down with a shout as Hux leaps on him.

Rey’s not quite sure what to do. She’s never _seen_ Ben like this. Oh, he gets angry. Usually with his parents. He never quite gets along with them and she’s heard the shouting matches, has had Ben come over to see her still with a chip on his shoulder. She’s talked him down any number of times from doing something stupid.

This time he doesn’t even seem to hear her. She shouts his name again and reaches in to grab his arm. She almost has a grip on him when Hux takes a swing at Ben. Ben ducks, Hux misses, and his fist connects with Rey’s jaw instead. She’s thrown back as the two boys continue to take swings at each other.

“Hey!” She hears the shout before she sees one of the teachers rushing over. Their gym teacher, thankfully. He’s a big man, a little intimidating, and so when he pushes in and separates the two boys they have only one more moment of swinging at each other before they’re stopped. “Just what is this about?”

Ben glares at Hux, doesn’t even look at their teacher.

Hux looks a bit more contrite. There’s a nasty welt beneath one eye that’s going to bruise, some scrapes across one side of his face. He’s sporting a split lip and the blood is still dripping down onto the lapel of his white polo shirt.

“Ben?” the teacher says. “Armitage?”

“He started it,” Hux says, his voice practically a whine.

“Is that true?” the teacher asks.

“No!” Rey shouts as she rushes forward. “Hux did. And Phasma.” The other girl is glaring at her from just behind where Hux is still standing.

“Rey,” Ben says. She takes a good look at her friend. He’s taken a few punches and there’s a cut over his left eyebrow. But otherwise he looks okay.

“Come on then,” their teacher says, grabbing both boys by the arms. “We need to see the principal.”

With that they’re led away and Rey feels her heart drop into her stomach.

*****

“Why did you do it?” she asks Ben later. He’s been suspended for the week for the fight. Hux has been give two weeks once a few witnesses come forward to support Rey’s statement as to who started it.

“Why did I do what?” Ben asks. They’re lying side by side in his backyard. His parents are allowing that much. His father is _proud_ of him and it may be the first time Rey has ever heard him utter the words _that’s my boy!_ It’s kind of sad, when she thinks about it. But at least it means they still get to hang out.

“Beat up Hux.”

Ben rolls on his side and she glances at him. He looks so serious as he watches her. He looks like he might say something, but then rolls to his back again, staring up at the clouds above them. “You know why,” he finally says.

“Ben…”

“Don’t ask again if you don’t want to know the answer.”

_I’m gonna marry you someday_. She can hear the words uttered in the voice of 10-year-old Ben, and the Ben of last week and all the Bens from in between.

She lets it go with a sigh.

“Ben?” she says after a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll always defend your honor,” he says and he sounds so _dramatic_ about the whole thing that she giggles.

“I think that idea went out in the Middle Ages.”

“Not for me.”

She sighs, and lets her body sink a little further into the grass. They’ll watch the clouds until they both drift off, and sometime later she wakes to find Ben watching her. And it’s strange how that’s not weird, not creepy. It’s just… _normal_. Ben is Ben and he’ll always be there for her.

* * *

“Prom?” Rey asks. Ben’s a senior and she’s not quite sure what she’s going to do without him after he leaves for college. It’s weird thinking of that. Thinking of Ben being gone and her left behind without him.

He's her best friend, she realizes. They still play ball out back of his parent’s place in the spring. They watch stupid movies together and lament just what they’re doing with their lives. Ben helps her with literature. She never has quite gotten the whole thing with the author writing one thing, but meaning another. Symbolism is beyond Rey. She helps Ben with math. That’s her area. Numbers are simple. Numbers make _sense_. If X, then Y. It all just works.

Ben is like literature, she realizes. _Nothing_ he does makes sense.

“Yeah…you know, that thing where people get all dressed up and go dance and stuff.” One of his hands is stuffed in a pocket. The other is gesturing under every word. Ben is like that. Expressive in a way that is unexpected. He’s…emphatic, she supposes. He’s gotten a little surly over the years and now that he’s 18, he’s more a young man than the boy she’s grown up with.

She tries to ignore that.

“I don’t wear dresses,” Rey points out. She’s most comfortable when she’s on the basketball court or running. Anything that involves sweat, sometimes blood, and a whole lot of tears.

Ben rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to wear a dress.”

“So _you_ are going to?”

She laughs at the slightly cross-eyed look he gives her. “What? No. You can wear a pant suit or something.”

“You’re crazy,” she mutters.

“And you’re my best friend. I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else.”

She knows he means it. It’s not like she’s forgotten his numerous declarations that he’s going to marry her someday. He never says anything else, and perhaps that’s the weirdest thing. He says it like he’s sure of it. But he never tells her he loves her, never actually asks her out on a date, never asks if she’ll be his girlfriend.

Not that she would say _yes_. She’s not the type to be anyone’s girlfriend. She’s learned long ago that people who claim to love you abandon you. Ben will abandon her. She has no doubt of it. He’ll go off to college and forget all about her and come back with a _real_ girlfriend. One who will go to the movies and the _prom_ with him.

“Ben,” she mutters.

“Oh come on, Rey. We’ll hang out, get our picture taken, and then you can go to the after ball party with me. I hear people will be sneaking into the pool for a midnight swim.”

“Midnight…”

“Skinny dipping,” he says with a grin.

“Ben.”

“Rey.”

She sighs, shakes her head. She seems to do a lot of that around Ben these days. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a dress.”

*****

She goes, of course. In a pantsuit, because that’s what she’s comfortable wearing. The whole evening is weird. It starts with Leia crying and taking a whole bunch of really bad pictures of the two of them together. Standing close to Ben when he’s cleaned up and, quite frankly, looks rather dashing in his tux is really really disconcerting. Like, she’s never noticed how nice he smells and has his hair always looked so soft?

Ben is suddenly a _man_ and not just her best friend.

She has no idea what to think of it.

When they arrive at the convention center, Ben and Rey are stopped at the door by a dour-looking teacher. Rey’s never met him, but Ben seems to have.

“Mr. Solo…Miss…”

“Kanata, Mr. Pryde.” Ben says.

“Miss Kanata.” Pryde’s gaze falls on her and his eyes are cold and blue and narrowed in a way that’s unexpected. “Did you not read the information about proper prom attire?”

Rey glances down at herself. She’s dressed conservatively. She has no cleavage to speak of. Well, of course, it’s not like she _could_. She’d tried a push-up bra once. Turns out that in order to push something up, you have to actually have _something_ to push up. So she’s dressed in a long-sleeved tunic with the wide flowing arms she adores so much and a pair of long flowing pants.

She’s about to speak up when Ben reaches out and pulls her closer to him. “What’s wrong with her attire?”

Pryde snorts. He actually snorts. Like…a Goddamn pig or something. And she imagines him with little piggy ears and a little piggy nose. She has to choke down the laughter.

“Dresses only,” Pryde says, his voice flat.

“I’m not wearing a dress,” Ben says in response.

“Not _you_.” There’s a sneer to Pryde’s voice that makes her uncomfortable. “ _Her_ ,” he says and points one spindly finger at her.

“I’m not wearing a dress either,” Rey says.

“Clearly.”

“Come on,” Ben says. He reaches in his pocket and shoves the tickets at Pryde. The teacher does nothing more than stare at them.

“She’s not coming in,” Pryde says

“We paid for…”

“Go home and change and then we’ll let you in.” He steps back then and starts to shut the door.

Rey rushes forward, getting her arm and shoulder wedged into the door before he can shut them. “What are you doing? We’re going to this prom. We paid for the tickets. We’re here.”

“You’re not.”

Rey starts to yank the door open when Ben reaches out a hand and puts it on her shoulder. “Come on, Rey. We didn’t want to go to their stupid party anyway.”

She looks from Ben to Pryde and back to Ben again. Her shoulders slump then. “Fine.”

As they walk off, Ben loops his arm around her and she lets him, enjoying the solid feel of him against her side. “I’m sorry,” she finally manages to get out.

“It’s not your fault,” he’s quick to assure her.

“I know you were looking forward to it…”

“To the prom?” he asks and then scoffs. “Not really. I have two left feet and I hate crowds.”

She steps then and turns to him. “I don’t understand.”

He shrugs. “I wanted to spend the evening with you. I wanted the memories, you know, so someday I can…”

“Can what?”

He shakes his head. “Nevermind. You still up for the after-ball party?”

And to that she _does_ grin. “You bet!”

“Awesome. Come on, let’s call my mom and we’ll go home and get changed. I don’t want to be in his monkey suit any longer than I need to be.”

*****

She’s seen Ben in a bathing suit any number of times, but this is the first time she’s really noticed how much he’s filled out. There’s a few of them that have snuck down into the bowels of the school, managing to avoid the teachers who are prowling about making sure students don’t go where they’re not supposed to. They’ve crept through the men’s locker room, which leads to the pool.

They could get into _so_ much trouble if they’re caught. But she hears this is not unusual and there are usually _some_ kids that get down there.

“Dammit,” she hears Poe mutter. He’s the ringleader of this little jaunt. He and Ben have known each other since they were kids and while Rey wouldn’t say they’re _best_ friends, he’s probably the closest to Ben besides herself.

He’s also a troublemaker who always seems to charm his way right out of the predicaments he’s caught in. He’s only had out of school suspension during the entire four years he’s been in high school and Rey _still_ can’t figure out how he’s gotten away with it.

“What’s wrong?” Ben whispers.

“Locked,” Poe responds with. “Shit, they must have figured this one out.”

“Oh please,” Zorii says. She’s been Poe’s girlfriend for as long as Rey can remember. Since middle school, at least. The pair have always had each other’s backs. “Step aside,” she says.

Rey hears her rustling through something she can only assume is her purse and then after a soft _ah ha_ there’s the sound of metal against metal and then…a soft pop.

“There,” Zorii says.

“Did you…” Poe starts to ask, then clears his throat. “Did you just pick the lock?”

It’s still dark and so Rey can’t quite see the expression on Zorii’s face, but she hears her shift. “Well, yeah.”

“Oh God, I knew I loved you for a reason.” Rey can hear Poe fumbling around a bit and then the big wet Sound of him kissing her.

“Ugh, _Poe_ ,” she says, and Rey can hear her push him away.

Poe just laughs. Everything seems to be a bit of a joke to him and there are times Rey wishes she could have that mindset, that she could find humor where there is none, that she could look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. She’s nothing like Poe. He annoys her more often than not. But there are days she’s _jealous_ of him.

“Come on,” Poe says, pushing the door open.

Inside, the place is dimly lit. There are some lights that illuminate the outline of the pool, a couple of red Exit signs. Safety features, she supposes.

“Wow, this is kind of creepy,” Rey says as she stops to peruse the scene.

“It’s awesome,” Poe says in response.

Rey turns to look at Ben and finds him watching the whole thing with a somewhat amused look on his face. “Yeah…interesting.” His eyes fall on her then and she watches as he swallows hard.

“What?” she asks, folding her arms over her chest. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me in a bathing suit before.” She’s in her bra and underwear. It’s certainly no skimpier than a bikini. _Then why do you feel so exposed?_

“Pretty undies,” Ben finally manages to say.

“Ugh,” she says.

“Probably prettier out of it,” Ben says and she _knows_ it’s said for Poe’s benefit. So of course Poe offers up a big laugh.

“Now you’re talking, Benjamin.”

“I hate when you call me that.”

“Whatever,” Poe responds with. “So I think we all said we’d go skinny dipping?”

“It’s either that our ruin our clothes,” Zorii points out. Practical, Rey supposes.

“Well, I’m not just stripping down in front of you all,” Rey says.

“Me neither,” Ben responds with.

He looks just as vulnerable as she feels, for whatever reason. He’s in nothing but his boxers and they don’t hide much. Long legs that have thickened with muscle, the outline of his abs she can see in the blue glow from the lights. His eyes are hidden there, dark and hooded with his hair half in his face. But the rest of him looks like some sort of sculpted marble statue there.

“Okay,” Zorii says. “How about we all look away as we strip down and get in the water. Once we’re in, there won’t be much to see.”

“Right,” Poe says. “Not that I care.”

He’s already stripping off his underwear and Rey has to quickly avert her eyes. Poe is not shy. He never has been. He’s been known to show up to the pool wearing nothing but a rather small speedo and a smile. _It’s what the swim team wears_. As if that makes a difference.

She hears Poe dive into the deep end a moment later.

Then another splash and a curse as Zorii hits the cold water.

And then it’s just her and Ben standing near the shallow end. “You first,” Rey says and she can feel the heat creeping up her cheeks at the thought of Ben stripping down to nothing so close to her.

“No,” he says. “You.”

“Do we really want to do this?”

“And let Poe know we’re chicken shits?” Ben shoots back with.

“Right.” She sighs. “Okay what if we turn away from each other and strip down at the same time and get in without looking.”

“That…uh…” He clears his throat. “That could work.”

They turn away from each other and Rey reaches up to undo her bra. She’s dropping it to the ground when she hears a rustle from Ben’s way and can see him flailing a bit out of the corner of one eye as he kicks off his boxers.

And she can’t help herself. She turns and glances at him for just a moment.

It’s a moment she can’t ever take back, she realizes.

He doesn’t see her. His eyes are downcast as he moves to the pool and slips in. But it’s enough for her to see the roundness of the muscles of his ass and to catch just a glimpse of his flaccid cock. She’s never seen one in person before. For fuck’s sake, she’s only 16. Though it’s not like she hasn’t managed to get onto the internet and find porn. Maz is not someone who restricts her very much, thankfully.

But this is Ben’s cock she’s seen.

And she’s not sure she can unsee it.

“Are you coming, Kanata?” Ben shouts from in the water.

“Oh right. Um…yes…you’re not looking, are you?”

“Of course not.”

She heaves a sigh and drops the bra to the ground, then quickly divests herself from her underwear, and now she’s standing in the freaking school pool area buck-ass naked. She makes a little noise in the back of her throat, and slides into the water.

When she looks up, Ben is watching her. _Fuck_.

“You watched,” she accuses, eyes narrowed on him.

And he laughs. Just… _laughs_. Because what the fuck?

“That’s not funny, Solo.”

He swims over to her, the strokes of his arms sure and strong, and then suddenly he’s wrapped his arms around her and yanked her against him, back to front. She can feel him there, his cock, pressed against her. “Ben…what are you…”

“I told you, Kanata,” he whispers into her ear. “I’m gonna marry you someday.”

“You’ve been saying that since you were ten,” she points out.

“And I still mean it.” She squirms against him and he pulls her a little tighter to his body.

To his very wet, very _naked_ body. And is that….

“Oh God, Solo are you sporting a boner?”

He lets go of her immediately and when she whirls on him, he at least has the good graces to look embarrassed. He mutters something and she’s pretty sure she hears the words _hormones_ and _natural_ in there somewhere.

And then he’s swimming away from her.

But not before reminding her that someday they’re going to get married. He is _completely_ hung up on it. She used to think it was a joke, the ridiculous way he would say it with hand held to heart. It’s been eight years since he first told her that, declaring it with all the sincerity a ten-year-old kid could muster.

“Ben!” she shouts after him, but he’s pulling himself up and out of the water and rushing back to where he’s left his clothes without so much as a backward glance.

And in the dim blue light for just a moment, she catches a glimpse of his naked body, of a rather impressive erection, and it takes her breath away. Ben’s always just been _Ben_. He’s her best friend, the person who’s always there for her. But in that moment he’s somehow _more_. And as she scrambles out of the water herself to go after him, she wonders just what the fuck she’s going to do with this newfound knowledge.

* * *

Ben is gone.

He’s been gone for months.

Rey’s junior year is already dragging and she feels a bit adrift. She has friends. There’s Finn, who’s been taken in by Maz as well. They’ve become fast friends. There’s Rose, who just recently transferred to their school and whose artistic ability always astounds Rey.

But there’s no Ben.

His first letter arrives just a week after he’s gone off to college. She rolls her eyes. There’s e-mail and text messaging, but Ben is weirdly old-fashioned. Oh, sure he sends her pictures of campus from time to time, occasionally texts her something funny. But he’s had a fascination with calligraphy ever since freshman year art class.

And so he sends her letters full of flowery language in his flowing script, and Rey can’t help but feel…bereft in some way. He doesn’t ever mention what happened after the prom, and if Poe brings it up, Ben quickly changes the subject.

Rey is never sure what she thinks of that.

She’s not sure what she thinks of Ben never telling her he’s going to marry her again. That’s the last time the words come out of his mouth. It’s not like anything else changes. He turns bright red around her for the first few times after the prom, but then it’s just like nothing has changed.

They still hung out all the time.

They still played basketball.

And it’s strange how that’s what she’s missing the most.

His letters though are from the heart. Close and intimate, they skirt the idea. She can feel it in the words and there’s something that keeps her holding them close to her heart.

Finn finds the latest one open on her desk and he’s picked it up and is reading it before Rey can stop it. “So this is from Ben?” he asks, flipping over to see Ben’s flowing signature at the end.

“Give it back,” Rey says, trying to grab it out of his hand.

“What? No way!” Finn says. “God, look at this shit. ‘There are basketball hoops on the outskirts of campus, surrounded by verdant fields of long grasses that sway in the wind.’ Who the hell writes like this?”

“ _Finn_.”

“No, seriously.” He reads further and his eyes widen. “You didn’t tell me he’s your boyfriend, Rey.” The words are quiet. It’s not like Finn likes _her_. He likes Rose. That’s been abundantly clear.

“He’s not.”

One of Finn’s eyebrows shoots up. “Oh really. ‘I think of you each day before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning. It hurts that you’re not here, to see these things with me…’”

She finally manages to swipe the letter away. “That’s just the way Ben writes,” she mutters.

“Uh huh. So is he the reason you’ve never dated anyone?”

“No,” Rey says, but the word comes out far too quickly, almost defensive.

“Well, that sure explains a lot.”

“Look, Ben’s my best friend…”

“Who is in love with you,” Finn finishes for her.

“I…what…no…”

“Just think about it,” Finn says and then he’s out the door.

She doesn’t want to think about it. But she can’t think about anything else. _Is_ Ben in love with her? He never dated, not once during high school. And there were girls who had crushes on him certainly. She’d heard after the prom that at least one girl was pissed off that he never even showed when she had asked him to go. And then he’d showed up to the after party with _Rey_. As if Rey weren’t good enough for him.

But he never told her he’d been asked. Later Poe tells her that at least three girls had asked him to go, including one who was crowned Queen of their graduating class.

Ben…

In love with her?

She remembers him in the dim blue lights of the pool, remembers the way his naked body dripped water as he came up out of the water. Remembers the way he escaped.

She’d chased after him, but he’d disappeared into thin air and she’d ended up returning to find Poe and Zorii doing unspeakable things in the school’s pool. So she’d left, called Maz, and gotten her own ride home. When she saw Ben a few days later, he acted like nothing had happened. Though the red tint to his cheeks told her he hadn’t forgotten.

And she doesn’t know why she’s never thought of it before. Maybe because Ben had started it so _young_. Ten-year-old kids do not know what love is. She’s not even sure she does at her age. She’ll be 17 soon and what she knows of love is the deep abiding affection she has for Maz, for Ben and Finn and Rose, and even Poe and Zorii. What she knows of love is the dark feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thinks of months without seeing Ben, when she imagines losing Maz someday.

Is that love?

She’s not sure.

She doesn’t know how she’d even figure such a thing out.

* * *

Ben joins Facebook.

He sends her an invite and she follows along, curious. It seems the whole world is there and she’s not sure how she’s lagged behind so bad.

He posts photos with his new phone. Usually blurry things, but they feature a small group of people, and one woman who likes to hang onto his arm. He’s never looking at her, but she’s always looking up at him like he’s hung the moon.

_That’s good_ , she thinks. _He has someone_.

But there’s this feeling in the pit of her stomach that tells her that she doesn’t really mean it.

* * *

Ben comes home at Christmas. She waits for him to call her, to stop over, anything, but he doesn’t the day he arrives.

It hurts.

She won’t lie.

She wonders if he’s brought _her_ home. Miss Smiles and Wonder at the man next to her. Rey feels awkward when she thinks of the petite woman, her long blond hair, her dimpled cheeks, her cleavage. She glances down at her own body and realizes that _things_ are not really developing that way. Rey has always been athletic. She’s the star on their high school’s basketball team, loves running cross country and leaping hurdles. She plays baseball with the boys and softball with the girls and loves every moment of it.

That girl with Ben looks _soft_.

And how can she compete with soft?

_Do you want to?_ She shakes her head at the thought.

*****

Ben does come see her the next day, late enough in the day that the sun is starting to go down. She feels like a consolation prize.

“What’s your deal, Kanata?” Ben asks as they shoot baskets behind his house. She’s watching him as he tosses the ball into the hoop. He’s grown, she thinks. A little taller, definitely broader.

“My _deal_? I have no deal.” She shrugs.

“Really? Because I don’t remember you being this…this…” He waves his hand in the air. “…sullen,” he finishes.

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Do you love her?” she asks instead of answering his question.

“Love…”

“Her…I see the pictures,” Rey points out. And she _hates_ the words that are coming out of her mouth. She’s 17. She should be more mature than this, but she just wants to _lash out_ at him. He never mentions _her_ in his letters, it’s all just flowering script about how much he misses her and how he can’t wait to come home and see her again.

But then there are the pictures.

And she keeps coming back to _those_. Maybe if he had, just once, mentioned her.

His face is scrunched up as he passes the ball he’s holding from one hand to the other. “Tallie?” he finally asks.

“Is that her name?”

Ben shrugs. “Yeah. She’s in the same program I am.”

“Ah, you must love that. A hot young lit major?” She tries to smile, but she can feel the way her mouth twists into a grimace.

“Yeah,” Ben says, throwing the ball rather forcefully at her. “It’s awesome.”

And then he’s storming off.

“Ben!” she shouts after him.

“Go find your own Tallie, Rey,” he tosses over his shoulder.

She repeats his name and watches as he just shakes his head, and keeps moving. The door to his house slams shut a moment later and Rey is left standing in the dark, alone, gripping the ball and wondering just where everything had gone wrong.

* * *

“You’re jealous,” Rose says and there’s an amused bit of awe behind the words. “I knew it.”

Rey shrugs. “I don’t know. This is… _stupid_ …isn’t it?” She tugs at the ponytail she’s tossed her hair up into. It’s one of her usual hairstyles. Simple and easy, it gets her hair out of her face and keeps it from getting too messy. She’s still the tomboy. Her hair may be to her shoulders now, but it’s usually drawn away from her face and she wouldn’t have any idea how to wear makeup even if she followed some tutorial on Youtube.

“Why is it stupid?”

“Because…” Rey’s not sure why. It just… _is_. He’s Ben. He’s her best friend. “Because I don’t know.”

Rose just shakes her head. “You know.” She stands and reaches over, puts a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “Just think about it.”

Rose disappears a moment later but Rey barely acknowledges her disappearance. There are so many thoughts swirling around in her mind.

Ben is gone again. He left that morning without saying goodbye. He’s never _not_ said goodbye to her. Usually with some accompanying cheeky comment about how he’s going to marry her someday.

He hasn’t said that in awhile.

She supposes he has _Tallie_ and perhaps he’s given up on whatever he thought they had. It’s strange how she misses it now. It was always there, always this _annoyance_. He was so sure of himself, so sure of his place in her life, that she realizes she never questioned it. She never had to.

_I’m gonna marry you someday_ had just been this _thing_. She’s not even sure if he really meant it. Maybe he did when he was ten and didn’t know what that entailed. Maybe he even did when he was a hormonal teenager and she was the only girl he really spent time with. But in so many ways it was, she thought, just an inside joke between them.

But now she’s lost him.

Lost him to college and to _Tallie_ and to whatever life he has there.

Her heart is sore when she goes to bed that night.

* * *

Three years, she realizes, as Facebook comes up with a memory.

_Ben’s home for a visit. Ive been practicing, so you better watch out! Gonna beat that ass in basketball if it’s the last thing I do._

It’s been three years since Ben last came home.

Rey has her pick of schools and she’s chosen to go to the local community college. She tells Maz it’s because she can’t leave her alone, but she knows there’s more to it than that. She’s heartsick, really, over Ben’s disappearance. And there’s this small part of her that thinks perhaps if she stays close, he’ll come back.

He was going to marry her someday, wasn’t he?

His parents are tight-lipped over where he is. She’d like to think he’s off on some grand adventure. Or maybe he’s married by now. She doesn’t know because he’s disappeared off Facebook too. No more photos of him with Tallie. Or with the rest of the group that he ran with at college. No more blurry photos of the crappy food served there. No more drunken late-night rambles about politics, things he deletes in the morning when he no doubt has a wicked headache and can barely open his eyes.

He would have just graduated.

He could be going to grad school.

He could be getting married. To someone else, mind. Not to her. Not like he said he always would.

She’s not sure why that makes her feel sad. _Time to pick yourself up, Rey. Ben is not coming back. Probably not ever_.

*****

She’s throwing balls aimlessly at the basketball hoop late one night. The hoop itself is long gone. Wind and rain and the years have worn it into tatters. There are a few strings left still attached, a sad reminder of when it was new and she and Ben fought over the ball and competed against each other.

She remembers those days with a fondness mixed with nostalgia and a sort of aching pain that won’t quite go away. Still, she shoots balls at it. She’s good at this now, and she wishes Ben could see how far her free throw abilities have come.

Swoosh. In goes one.

Bang, and then in goes another.

It’s cathartic really.

Ball goes in. She snags it as it comes out of the hoop, dribbles. Ball goes in again.

“Hey, kid,” comes a voice and a moment later Han Solo appears. His voice sounds tired and there’s a set to his shoulders that speaks to an exhaustion and loss, feelings she understands all too well these days.

“Still at it, eh?” he asks and the half smile on his face reminds her so much of Ben that she sucks in a sharp breath.

“Yeah,” she says and throws another ball. This one she lets fall and roll away from her. She watches it until it disappears into the shadows.

“You miss him,” Han says.

Rey shrugs. “I suppose.”

Han lets out a little huff of air and she turns to him then. He looks…tired. Tired and old, and she wonders when he started looking so haggard. It’s not like she hasn’t seen him over the past few years. Ben may have disappeared, but Maz is still close with the Solo family. Rey has been to Thanksgiving, to Christmas parties, has opened the door and found presents for her adoptiversary.

“Don’t,” Han says, the word sharp.

“Don’t?” Rey shakes her head. “I don’t…”

“Understand? Yeah. I know.” He shrugs. “Ben has gotten himself mixed up in some pretty ugly stuff.”

“In college?”

Han shakes his head and the lines around his mouth deepen even more. “He quit college. A few months ago.” He waves a hand in the air. “Just walked out one day, packed his bags, and disappeared. He was offered a job.”

“Without graduating?” Rey’s still not sure _what_ she wants to do with her life, but she knows she’ll need a degree for whatever it is.

“Yeah.” There’s something in the way Han says the word that sends a little shiver tracing up her spine.

“What…” She clears her throat. “What is he doing?”

Han levels his gaze on her and the seriousness to his gaze rally gets to her. “I heard you got into your first choice of schools.”

Rey blinks. “Han?”

He shakes his head, just once. “Don’t ask me about him, kid. He’s working for some guy named Snoke. That’s all I know. You should forget about him.”

“But…”

“He’s my son? Yeah. I know. And that’s why I’m telling you to run. Go to your dream school. Find yourself. Forget about him.”

“I…” She clamps her mouth shut. She doesn’t know what to say to that.

“He’s lost to us, kid.” Han bends over and picks up the ball closest to his feet. He lines up, shoots it at the basket. And misses. The shot bounces off the backboard and goes wide. As it bounces across the pavement, he looks back to her. “Go follow your dreams. Forget about Ben.”

And then he’s gone.

And she wants to scream.

_He’s your son! He should mean something to you!_ But Han is already inside and there’s no use tilting at windmills. With a final glance at the ball, now resting in the grass, she turns and goes back inside her own house. There won’t be much sleep that night, tormented as she is by thoughts of Ben and this faceless horror named Snoke.

In her dreams he appears as a giant Snake and Ben the mouse, and she can’t get it out of her head that she should _do_ something about this. Save him. _Somehow_.

When she wakes, she’s gasping for breath and feeling like she’d spent the entire night drowning in an ever-changing sea. She can’t get to him. No matter how hard she tries.

She’s never been the sort to cry, really, but she finds that she’s hugging her pillow and there are wet spots all over it.

She misses him and she feels it so much _more_ right now than she has in the past little while. Maybe it’s that she fears she’s lost him forever. That his family has lost him. Han certainly thinks so, and she can’t get the echo of his voice out of her head.

_Forget about Ben_ …

* * *

She follows her dreams, just as Han told her to. Crossing states, moving clear across the country. New York is nothing like California. It’s cold, it’s damp, and it’s lonely too. She misses Rose. She misses Finn. She Facetimes with them, catches up once a week, talks on Facebook messenger and through texts. But it’s not the same.

This is where she needs to be. She knows this. But being so alone all the time, even in such a large city, is difficult.

Her first year there, she spends most of her time studying. Friends are few and far between and going back to her empty apartment is a sad state of affairs. She misses her basketball hoop. And she misses Ben, the ache a very real thing that tears at her heart every day.

_You’re in love with him_.

And maybe she is.

She tries dating anyway, goes out with a very nice young man a few times. She even kisses him and lets him take her back to his apartment, where she ends up putting a stop to it before it goes too far. He lets her. She knows he’s disappointed, can see it written in the lines of his face. But he stops when she asks and that’s good enough for her.

She doesn’t see him again.

She supposes that means something, but she can’t bring herself to care.

She tries one more time at the beginning of her second year. _Four years,_ she thinks. _Four years since she last saw Ben. Four fucking years_. It’s all she can think about, and so the date doesn’t go well. He was nice enough. But he was too short, too blond, too... _not_ Ben.

_Fuck_.

*****

She goes back to Facebook to look for him. There’s still no sign of him. She goes to Tallie’s page. All of her recent pictures feature her and some new guy who’s arm she’s clinging to. Ben is no longer in any of them and Rey has to dig pretty far back to find any that feature him.

She goes to Poe’s page. She knows he and Ben still talked. Last she knew at least.

Ben is not listed on his friend’s list. She wonder s if Ben blocked her after their last tiff. She hadn’t seen him since then. It was like he’d disappeared. But when she logs into a dummy account, one she knows he doesn’t know, there’s simply no sign of him. There are no Ben Solos on Facebook, no Benjamin Solos either. She looks for him by his mother’s last name, by a childhood nickname he’d rather forget. _Nothing nothing nothing_. There is simply no sign of the man who was once her best friend.

It’s late one night and she’s had a bit too much to drink, when she googles the name _Snoke_. That’s all she knows about this person he’s gone to work for. His name is Snoke and he does…she has no idea. _Snoke snake_ , she thinks as she flips through some of the google pages. _Snakey Snoke_. She wonders what he looks like, imagines him with a long forked tongue and scaly skin. _Sssssnoke_.

She keeps digging.

It takes her places it shouldn’t.

Soon there are warnings on her screen, and something about the Dark Web. _Proceed with caution_. It’s the only hint she’s gotten about someone by that name. No first name. No identifying information. Just _Snoke_.

She keeps digging.

She shouldn’t.

She enters the Dark Web, and it’s a world she couldn’t imagine. Money exchanged for the most nefarious things. And Snoke. She clicks on his name and lets out a gasp.

Her phone rings.

She freezes, turning to look at it.

The number is restricted.

It continues to ring.

She doesn’t answer, takes a deep breath when it stops.

A moment later, it rings again.

She picks up the phone. _Don’t answer it, Rey_.

She answers it anyway. She can’t stop herself. “I know where you live, Miss Kanata,” comes the voice on the other line.

“I…” she starts to say.

“Turn off your computer.”

And then the line goes dead. She drops her cell phone like it’s burned her and opens up her computer again. She doesn’t even wait for it to come back up. She force quits it. _Turn off your computer._

The disembodied voice was gravelly, like the person had been smoking cigarettes for more years than she’d been alive, harsh and dark and _Oh God, what did you get yourself into?_

She hides under the covers when she goes to bed that night. And she keeps one of her sharpest kitchen knives under her pillow. Every creak of the apartment building, every sound of footsteps from the apartment above her, has her reaching for the knife, hand clenching around it as her whole body vibrates with spasms of fear.

_What have you gotten yourself into?_

******

She calls Han the next day from a phone in the campus library. Her cell has been turned off since the night before. Her computer turned off. She’s terrified to turn either of them back on. _What if he calls again? What if he tracks her wherever she goes_?

He knows where she lives.

It’s a big apartment complex, but that doesn’t make her feel safer.

He knows she’s looking for him.

“I looked up Snoke last night,” she whispers into the phone as soon as Han answers.

There’s silence from the other side and for a moment she fears he’s hung up on her. Then he sighs. “I told you to let Ben go.” Han’s voice is tight.

“I found him,” she goes on with. “Not Ben. _Snoke_.”

“The Dark Web,” Han responds with.

“Yes.” Her voice shakes a little on the word.

“And…?”

“Someone called me. I don’t know who. They know who I am. They know where I live. They…”

“Rey!” Han says and the word is sharp. “Turn on your computer but don’t connect to the internet. Back up your files and have someone wipe it. And wipe your phone. Get yourself a new number.”

“This is that serious?”

Han doesn’t say anything. “Yes,” he finally says. “Protect yourself. Snoke is a dangerous man.”

He hangs up then, and she wants to scream. If Snoke is so dangerous, why Han he not going after Ben? Why is he not trying to save his son? She knows there have always been issues between them. Han travels a lot, he seemed to travel even more the older Ben got. He’s never been _good_ with him and Ben always felt unloved, more a burden than the son they should have loved. But this is a whole new thing.

If he’s mixed up in something terrible. If he’s a victim of this _Snoke_ person, shouldn’t someone try to save him?

* * *

She wipes her phone.

She wipes her computer.

A week goes by with no further calls.

A month.

Two months.

She thinks she’s safe, returns the big knife to the drawer and thinks that maybe it was all a bad dream. But sometimes, even during the day, when she’s sitting in a lecture or has her hands deep into the guts of a car, she can hear that voice on the other line telling her he knows where she lives.

* * *

It’s raining the first night she thinks she sees him. It’s been over three months since she’d looked up Snoke and she’s out walking far too late in the evening. She’s gotten lax, even if it still haunts her nightmares a bit.

She stops under an overhang for a moment, takes a deep breath. She doesn’t have an umbrella. Because…of course she doesn’t. Rey isn’t the type to really ever be prepared. Not for rain at least. She likes rain. But even this is a bit much. So she’s standing under the overhang, ringing out her hair and squinting into the downpour just beyond the edge of her safe space.

There’s a man walking down the sidewalk, head bent against the wind, hood pulled up against the driving rain. He pauses under a light and turns. His face is in profile, but she’d know that nose anywhere.

“Ben!” she shouts before she even realizes what she’s doing.

For a moment, he turns toward her and she sees his face in the half light of the streetlight. And then he turns and rushes away into the dark.

She dashes out of the safety of her overhang, shouting his name again. She’s blinded almost as soon as she’s out into the rain, but races in the direction he’d just walked anyway. Shouting his name, begging him to stop, to turn, to come back to her.

He’s gone, she realizes. Disappeared into the darkness. She turns around, peers into the rain. But there’s no sign of him. The sound of any footsteps are swallowed up in the crash of rain and a clap of thunder in the distance.

“Fuck,” she mutters.

He’s here. In the city. And she’s lost him again.

* * *

She swears she sees him twice more over the next couple months. Just glimpses. Once she’s in a coffee shop getting her latest fix and she swears she sees him outside. She almost runs out without paying.

Another time she’s at a theatre production one of her friends is in. She looks up at one of the boxes and she’s sure he’s there. But by the time she gets up there, pushing her way past the ushers and anyone who might stop her, he’s not there. There are people in the box, and one elderly man with shrewd blue eyes leers at her as she ducks her head in. But there’s no sign of Ben.

She starts to duck out when the old man speaks. “Miss Kanata, so nice to see you.”

A shiver traces down her spine.

She feels cold.

The man smiles then, and there’s something cold and reptilian about it. It’s him. She knows it’s him. _Snoke_. The voice is the same one that had been on the phone. He knows her name.

_He knows where she lives_.

She backs out and runs. She doesn’t know what else to do, where to go. Maybe she should go home, back to Maz, back to Rose and Finn, back to where it’s safe.

She’s racing through the lobby of the theatre, still half looking behind her, when she runs into something solid. “Oomf,” says the solid thing.

She looks up, and – “Oh,” she manages to get out as she backs up a few paces.

“Rey,” comes the rumble of Ben’s voice. He looks…different. His hair is longer, covering those ridiculously large ears of his. There are dark circles beneath eyes that look intense and haunted. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“My friend is…”

“I don’t care,” he cuts her off with. His voice is somehow deeper than the last time she’d heard him speak and she shivers at the sound, a feeling she can’t quite define welling up deep inside her. Wild, a strange little flutter that makes her want to run into his arms and race away from him at the same time. “Snoke is here.” His eyes are looking somewhere behind her, as if the man in question might appear at any moment.

“I know.”

His eyes snap to hers. “You…”

“I went to your box.”

“Oh fuck, Rey. Don’t do that. You don’t understand…”

“Then make me.”

Ben shakes his head and his plush lips are pressed together tightly. “We need to go,” he mutters, reaching out to grab her upper arm.

“No.” She pulls away, jerking her arm out of his hand.

“Rey,” he mutters under his breath. “Please. Just come with me.” He reaches for her again and she pulls away. “It’s been so long.”

“Whose fault is that?” she shoots back with.

He shrugs. “Please, Rey. I can’t let Snoke near you. Come with me.”

“You’ll explain everything?” She crosses her arms over her chest, tilts her chin in that way that she knows always annoyed him.

A soft smile forms on his lips for just a moment, disappearing so fast she almost thinks it was never there. “Stubborn Rey,” he murmurs and she’s surprised by the affection behind the words. “I’ll explain as much as I can.”

“I suppose that will have to be good enough.”

“It will.”

They leave together and that’s a strange, unexpected feeling, walking out of the theatre with Ben at her side. AS they leave, he reaches out and puts a hand around her elbow. It’s almost possessive and that weird fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach takes wing again.

*****

“Tea?” she asks, turning toward him with pot in hand.

Things are…awkward…she thinks. Awkward and strange and she’s not really sure what to say to this Ben. He’s changed. Grown even taller, body broader with muscles she can see when he moves or stretches. He looks a little haggard, worn out and tired, and his eyes. That is the biggest change. There’s an intensity there. Anger, exhaustion. He looks _jaded_ , like he’s seen so much. It’s hard to believe he’s only a couple years older than her.

It seems more like a decade now.

Rey is still a fresh-faced college student, innocent of the horrors of the world. But Ben has _seen_ things, and she’s sure he’ll never be able to go back to who he once was.

“So…” he says. His voice trails off as he looks at the room around them.

“Yeah, so…” she echoes. “Talk.”

“Talk.”

“Yes.”

He clears his throat. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Where have you been?” she asks. “Why did you quit school? Who the fuck is Snoke?”

He flinches at the last. “We shouldn’t talk about him.”

“No? He knows who I am, Ben. He knows my name. He knows my phone number. He knows where I _live_. Just who the fuck is he?”

“No one you want to know.”

“Really? I never would have guessed that. Just what _are_ you mixed up in, Ben?”

“Rey,” he murmurs. “I never meant to hurt you,” he says, the words almost too quiet for her to hear. She has to lean closer to him. “You meant everything to me. _Everything_.”

“But?”

He shakes his head. “Things happened. Things I can’t really talk about.”

“Do you like it?” she asks. “Working for Snoke?”

He takes in a deep breath, releases it quickly. “No,” he finally says. “If I could get out…”

“Why can’t you?”

“It’s not as easy as just walking away. He’d find me no matter where I went.”

“So?”

He levels his gaze on her and she hates the grim look of the lines around his mouth. “He’d have me killed. And no one would ever be able to trace it back to him.”

“He’s really that dangerous.”

Ben reaches for his cup, takes a sip of tea and grimaces. “You still like your tea strong, don’t you?”

She can’t help the soft smile on her face. Ben still knows her, still remembers her tastes. And she remembers, suddenly, that he hates tea. And even more, he hates strong tea. _Her_ tea. “I’m still me,” she says with a shrug.

He takes another sip. “Maybe I’ll get used to it someday.”

She fears this is the only time they’ll see each other, but she warms at the thought of a someday.

“Yes,” he says at last. “He is really that dangerous. I wish you had never gone looking for me.”

“Well, it’s too late now.”

“It is, I suppose.”

“I found you.” She sets her cup down and leans a little toward him. “I’m not going to let you go again.”

“ _Rey_.”

“You’re gonna marry me someday, aren’t you?” She smirks as she says the word, and Ben groans.

“ _Rey_ ,” he says again, and there’s something in the way he growls her name that makes her lean even closer to him.

“Were you lying, Ben?”

“I was young and idealistic,” he says in his defense.

“So you’re not going to…”

“I wanted to,” he admits.

“But not now?”

He’s silent for a moment, still as a statue. She’s afraid of his answer. She’s afraid he’ll change the topic. He finally sighs. “Always.”

She sighs too and leans closer to him. “I always thought it was a joke.”

His eyes move quickly to hers, his lips part a little as he stares at her. “ _Never_ ,” he says, clenching his hand into a fist. “I never meant it as a joke. Not even when I was ten. And certainly not now. Your life is in danger, Rey. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you somehow got mixed up in this. Snoke will kill you if he thinks he needs to. He will stop at _nothing_ to make sure you don’t interfere with his plans.”

“What are his plans?”

“I can’t say.” He holds up his hand. “Don’t ask me to. _Please_.”

“Okay,” she finally says. “I won’t.”

“Thank you,” he murmurs. They fall into silence for a moment, their eyes meeting. The butterflies take to wing in her stomach again. “Rey?” he says at last.

He doesn’t have to say the words. She can see them written in the lines of his face. She nods.

When he kisses her it’s soft, just a brushing of his lips across hers. Their eyes are still open as their lips meet. But then he wraps one of his large hands around the back of her neck and pulls her closer into him, deepening the kiss, and she feels like she’s come home.

This is where she was always meant to be.

When he stands, she goes easily with him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, tangling her fingers in his thick hair. She remembers running her fingers through it when he was younger, when it was thinner and shorter. Now it’s feels like thick silk as she weaves her fingers through it. It feels…right.

His lips leave hers as he pulls her tight against him. She turns her head to the side, ear pressed to his chest. She can hear his heartbeat there, fast, a little unsteady. She whispers his name and hears him sigh.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” She can feel more than hear the rumble of his voice, the vibrations against her ears. He takes a deep breath and her hands spread out over his back, feeling the way his ribcage expands and contracts.

She’s not sure what to say to that, so remains silent for a moment. He’s right, of course. They shouldn’t. There are so many things left unsaid at the moment, so many things up in the air. He was her everything growing up and he’s been still such an important part of her life even though she hasn’t seen him for years.

She’s felt stunted, missing the other half of her soul. It’s a strange thing, that, feeling like she’s not complete.

Here she feels it.

Settled.

“I know,” she finally says. “But…”

He kisses her again, soft and slow, and she lets him lead her further into her apartment. He seems to know where the bedroom is. That should scare her and yet it doesn’t. Ben has always been able to read her, follow her lead. And he’s kissing her now like a desperate man.

Like this is the only chance he’ll have to do this.

That scares her even more. She’s found him. After all this time, she’s _found_ him.

“This room?” he mutters against her lips as they separate for a moment.

She nods and reaches around behind herself, feeling for the doorknob. She finds it after a few attempts and Ben kicks the door open. Her room is a mess. Because of course it is, but Ben doesn’t notice, lowering her to the bed and coming to rest next to her.

“Rey,” he starts to say, but she kisses him again.

“I want to,” she says.

“Me too,” he says, the words coming out in a rush. She’s surprised to hear his voice crack. “I’ve always wanted to,” he admits.

“You were gonna marry me someday,” Rey says.

“I meant it,” he says quickly. “I still do.” He reaches up and brushes the hair away from her eyes. “I’m going to. Someday.”

She laughs a little and leans up to kiss him. “But for now…”

“Yeah, for now.” He steals her breath with another long kiss, his hand cupping her chin for a moment before moving down her body a bit. “Rey?”

She realizes his hand is trembling a little where it rests on her shoulder, and so she reaches up, puts hers over it. “Ben?”

His hand steadies a little under her touch, his thumb stroking across her collar bone, fingers resting lightly against her. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Never…” Her mind goes blank for a second and then she realizes what he means by _this_. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Ben?”

His eyes meet hers and she tries to smile through the few tears that she can feel pricking at the corners of her eyes. “Yeah?”

“I haven’t either.”

He kisses her again then and it’s like all the fear, all the worries, the years apart just melt away. It’s her and Ben and that’s how it should have always been. They strip each other slowly, carefully, kissing each bit of skin that’s revealed.

He’s beautiful, she thinks, as he finally reveals himself to her. She remembers him in the dim light of the pool all those years ago, but here, now, he’s a grown man with a grown man’s body. The years have hardened him, taken the body of a gangly young man and honed it into a man’s.

“Fuck, Rey,” he says when he pulls off her underwear and she lays bare before him. She wants to grab the cover that she’s half laying on, but he won’t let her, instead worshiping her body with his eyes and then lips and teeth and tongue.

“What…” she starts to ask, as he kneels on the floor, pulling her toward the end of the bed. Her legs are spread and he’s looking at her like a starving man looks upon a feast. His eyes are dark as he looks up at her, and there’s a strange feral smile on his face.

And then he leans forward and licks at her. She almost jumps out of her skin, legs trembling as she tries to pull herself back. “Ben, what are you doing?”

“I’ve wanted to do this forever,” he murmurs. His hands pin her to the spot and she can’t move as he laps at her, using the flat of his tongue against her clit, pressing one finger deep inside her. She’s never _felt_ like this before, didn’t know it was possible. She’s used her own fingers of course, a vibrator, a dildo, but _this_. This is not something she could ever have imagined. It’s almost _obscene_ and there’s a part of her that knows she should be embarrassed.

By the noises she’s making, deep in the back of her throat.

By the way her hands come up to grip his hair hard, the way her hips thrust into his face, the noises he makes as he licks at her.

And yet she can’t be bothered to care. It feels _amazing_ and as her orgasm washes over her, she thinks this may be the best thing she’s ever experienced.

Ben is crawling back onto the bed as she comes down, and he wipes the back of his mouth with his hand a moment before he leans down to kiss her. She can taste herself on him, and it’s a strangely intimate thing she thinks.

“Are you…” he starts to say as he comes to settle between her legs.

“I’m sure.”

He freezes and her eyes meet his. He looks…panicked somehow. And then – “Oh fuck,” he mutters.

“Ben?”

“I wasn’t prepared for this. I mean, of course I wasn’t. It’s not like I expected you to be there or for this...”

Rey reaches up and puts her hands on either side of his face, drawing his frantic gaze down to hers. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have any condoms.” He sounds _miserable_.

She almost laughs, but the serious look on his face, the panic and sheer despair make her choke it back. “It’s okay,” she says.

“It’s not…”

“ _Ben_. Stop for a second.” He stills and she’s thankful for that at least. She always had been able to get Ben to settle down. Or at least she had, up until the last time they parted ways. “I’m on the pill.”

“But…”

“ _Ben_ ,” she says again. “There are a lot of reasons to be on the pill.”

“Right, of course.” Still he doesn’t move and she sighs.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you just get on with it?”

And that _does_ elicit a laugh, a full body one. She can feel him hot and hard against her thigh as his body shakes with his mirth. He’s still laughing as he takes himself in hand and presses into her.

They cling tightly to each other as he enters her fully. There’s no pain, just a bit of a stretch and as she wraps her legs around him, he moves within her. She meets him thrust for thrust, wrapped around him as she rides it out.

She doesn’t come again. She’s not even sure she’s capable of it. She already feels so wrung out.

But she loves the feeling of him coming inside her as he stills, pushing deep inside her, arms wrapped tightly around her as he shouts his release into her neck.

As they both come down and Rey disentangles herself from him a bit, he rolls to the side, keeping her tucked in close to him. “Why didn’t we do that sooner?” he murmurs. Her head is tucked under his chin and she feels _safe_ there in his arms.

“I don’t know,” she murmurs, and yawns. “Maybe because you disappeared.”

He says nothing to that, but she knows that _he_ knows she’s right. He’d disappeared and that was the end of it. For a time at least.

“We should do this more often,” he says.

She’s not sure what to say to that. They should. But at the same time, they shouldn’t. And the worries about Snoke and what exactly Ben is mixed up in come floating back into her mind.

Ben goes slack next to her, his breathing evening out, and she knows he’s asleep. She turns over and watches him for a moment. His hair, still sweat slicked and messy. The bridge of his nose, still so prominent on his face, the plush lips that she now blushes when she thinks of what they can do.

He’s handsome in a way that makes her whole body shiver a little.

The last thought she has as she drifts off to sleep is that maybe he really _will_ marry her one day.

*****

He’s gone when she wakes. The only evidence he’d ever been there are her clothes strewn across the room and the indentation in the pillow. She can smell him there and so she pulls it close to her and lets the tears fall as she breathes in his scent.

She’s not sure she’ll ever see him again.

She can feel her heart ripping into a thousand pieces again.

* * *

Her phone rings and she glances down at the number on the screen.

_Han?_

She only talks to him when she goes back to stay with Maz over breaks. She didn’t even know he had her number. “Hello?” she says as she picks it up.

“Rey, it’s Han.”

“I know. Maz had me program your number in years ago.” She can’t help the fondness that creeps into her voice at that. She remembers Maz talking about being _old_ and she needs to make sure someone can check on her and she can’t believe Rey is going halfway across the world ( _it’s just across the country, Maz_ ).

“You need to turn on the TV.”

Rey glances over at her television set. It’s an ancient old thing, with rabbit ears that she’d kept together all this time with some electrical tape and a prayer. She hasn’t turned it on in a week. “What…”

“Do it, Rey. I mean it. It’s important.”

“What channel?”

“Any of them,” Han says. She can’t quite tell if the tone of his voice is grim or just resolute.

She pulls herself up out of her chair and turns the TV on, fiddling with the rabbit ears for a moment before it picks up some sort of signal. The first thing she sees is _him_. Snoke. She’d remember those piercing blue eyes, the pitted face, that _sneer_ anywhere.

It’s old footage, she realizes, taken sometime earlier that day as the FBI raids one of the buildings downtown. Snoke is shouting something at the police as they drag him out in cuffs. There’s a red-haired man following behind him, and it takes her a moment to realize it’s _Hux_. She hasn’t seen him since she graduated. He’s still tall, still gangly, still pasty-faced. Though in the video his face has flushed red and he’s driven to the ground after he tries to attack one of the police officers.

There are others that are being brought out behind him.

But there’s no Ben.

“Are you paying attention, Rey?” she hears Han ask.

She’d forgotten about him. “It’s Snoke,” she says, somewhat stupidly.

“Yeah.”

_Where is Ben_?

The reporter is listing off the crimes he’s been accused of…money laundering, counterfeiting, and other white collar crimes. But it’s when she gets to his putting out hits on competitors, that she puts some of it together.

Ben…

Ben had been hired by Snoke.

Ben hadn’t wanted to talk about it.

Ben…

There’s a knock at her door and her head whips around at the sound. She’s staring at the door when she becomes aware that Han is asking her a question. “There’s someone at the door,” she says in response. It can’t be Snoke. Snoke was arrested. Snoke is in jail. Snoke may never be allowed out again. The reporters are talking about 25 to life for all of his crimes, not the least of which was attempted murder.

The person knocks again. A bit more forceful, a bit faster.

“Han…”

“Go see who it is, kid,” he says, and she’s surprised he thinks she should.

The knock comes again.

She creeps toward the door. At least 911 is a quick call, though she doesn’t know how fast the police would be here, really.

Another knock.

She looks through the peephole. And lets out the breath she’s been holding. “It’s Ben,” she whispers into the phone. “I thought…”

“Go talk to him, Rey,” Han says. “Call me later.” And then he hangs up.

She’s left alone. Alone with just Ben on the other side of the door. Ben who had worked for a criminal, a _murderer_.

“Rey!” she hears him say and she can feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “Rey please open up. I know you’re in there. I need…” His voice chokes off on that. “I need to talk to you.”

She does as he asks, flinging the door open. And then _Ben_ is there, rushing forward with a small noise in the back of his throat, to wrap himself around her, pulling her into a tight hug. “God, Rey. I never thought I’d see you again.”

She pulls back when he finally releases her, drawing him into the apartment, and shutting the door behind him. “You were the one who left,” she points out. “Again.”

He shivers slightly, wraps his arms around himself. “I did.” He takes a deep breath. “I had to. You would never have been safe.”

“Ben…”

“You’re safe now.”

“I know,” she confirms. “Han made me watch the news.”

He nods. “I didn’t do what he wanted.”

“Which was?”

Ben sighs, runs his hand through his hair. “Can we…I don’t know…can we sit down? There’s a lot.”

With a nod, she waves him to one of the mismatched couches in her apartment. He sits gingerly on it, looking too big for the tiny thing. “Hux pulled me in,” he starts with. “He found me at the school and convinced me that my literature degree was pointless. He had the perfect person to work for. It seemed…good, I guess. At first. Snoke listened to me like my parents didn’t. He told me I could excel if I followed him. He talked…” He takes a breath. “He talked of my being his successor.”

“Snoke was a terrible human being,” Rey points out.

Ben makes an annoyed sound in the back of his throat. “Yeah. I know. I started to work with the feds six months ago…”

“Why six…” He gives her a pointed look. “Oh. Because of me?”

“Because of you. I wanted to be worthy of you, Rey. And I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. Not as long as I was wrapped up in Snoke’s business. And if you think people just walk away from Snoke…they don’t. They try to, and they end up dead in the gutter. Snoke doesn’t deal with traitors.”

“You’re a traitor now,” she points out.

Ben nods. “I am,” he confirms. “I’m the _worst_ sort of traitor. I’ve cost him everything. His money, his notoriety, quite possibly his life if they manage to dig up all of the hits he put out on people.”

“I don’t understand,” she murmurs.

“Don’t you?” He steps closer to her and reaches out to take her hands in his. She lets him and after a moment, she wraps her hands around his. “When I joined Snoke, I thought I was doing something good for me. Something good for _you_.”

“Me? You hadn’t seen me in years.”

“No,” he says, the corners of his generous mouth turning down a bit. “I hadn’t. That was stupid. But I wanted to come back to you and show you that I was something. That I was _someone_. Not just some stupid lit major with no career prospects and shit tons of debt.”

She releases his hand, turns away. “Ben, I don’t understand any of what’s going on.”

“Rey,” he says and there’s a plea in his voice. “I’m free. Do you understand what that means? I turned him in, I gave the feds every last bit of information I had and they took him down.”

She turns back to him and lets out a gasp. He’s standing before her and he’s holding out a small box. It’s not open and the hand that’s holding it is trembling slightly. She looks from the box up to his eyes. There are tears there, in the corner of his eyes, lines of pain, but also hope.

So much hope.

Her name on his lips is like a prayer of salvation. “I told you back when I was just ten years old that I was going to marry you.”

“You also called me the Burger King,” she reminds him.

“I was ten,” he says with a shrug. “I was still pretty stupid. But there were some things I got right. And _you_ were one of them. I knew then.” He opens the box and she feels a single tear track down from one of her eyes. “I know it now. I’m _free_ , Rey. And that means I’m free to do this.” He steps closer to her, holding the box out in front of him like a shield of sorts. “Marry me, Rey.” He holds up a hand before she can say anything. “It doesn’t have to be now. It doesn’t even have to be next year. It can wait until you’ve graduated, until you’ve settled down. But _please_ …I love you. I always have. I always will.”

He watches her with eyes that are both pleading and creased with worry at the same time.

“This is a lot,” Rey murmurs. But she reaches out for the ring box anyway. She’s loved Ben all her life. Even when he called her the Burger King, even when he said stupid teenage boy things to her, even when he beat her at free throws year in and year out. He was her rock for so many years.

“I know,” he says. “But I told you…”

She smiles at that. “That you were gonna marry me someday.”

“Make it someday soon, Rey?” His voice is soft, and she looks up to watch him studying her carefully.

“Yes,” she finally says.

He lets out a breath and then his whole face breaks out into a smile. It’s like the sun has come out, his smile lights up the room so intensely. With shaking hands, he takes the box from her and pulls the ring out, putting it on her finger. “It’s a little big,” he mumbles. “It was my mom’s. We can resize it.”

And then he’s kissing her, arms wrapped tight around her. The box drops to the floor, forgotten, but she carefully closes her hand into a tight fist to keep the ring from sliding off her finger.

It’s a beginning, she realizes.

A beginning and an ending and yet somehow _more_ at the same time. She and Ben. It’s always been them against the world.

It’s home, she realizes, as she lets him pick her up, wrapping her legs around his middle as he carries her toward her bedroom.

She’s home.

Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> This SUPER got away from me. I hope you like it anyway! lol


End file.
